I had spent all day Saturday writing my brains out. Ten-plus pages of dissertation. I felt like I was flying, like I could do anything. The end of the chapter gleamed at me quietly, surely. But Sunday morning I felt like I was slogging through mud. Words floated and twisted around on the page. My thoughts were impossible to corral into anything so coherent as a sentence, let alone an argument. The end of the chapter vanished, its little light winking out before my eyes.
“Ebbs and flows,” my sister texted me when I told her. I nodded, gulped, stared at my phone in my hand.
* * *
I was running circles on a blue track on Sunday afternoon. Since I’ve been cleared to run again I’ve been gradually increasing my distances each time, but it’s impossible not to notice how altered I am. Now I struggle and gasp to reach the point where I used to feel like I was just hitting my sweet spot.
I ran until I thought I couldn’t take another step, until I convinced myself it was ok to let myself off, that I was just starting and there would be no shame in taking it easy. Then I glanced at the distance I’d run and blinked once, twice.
“I’ve already gone farther than I did yesterday,” I said to myself. I wondered, and I kept running.
* * *
We were talking through a research proposal yesterday morning, my student and I. She’s working on her senior thesis. I’m working on my dissertation. We commiserate. She was frustrated because advisors kept pointing her to an instruction sheet instead of answering her questions. I encouraged her to take it one step at a time.
“None of us have ever done this before,” she said. “None of us know whether we can do these things, but we keep plugging away and then after a while they get done.”
I sighed and said yes.
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This post is part of my oneword 2013 series because what is faith if not this learning, over and over again, that sometimes you have to just keep going? meet other oneworders here.
No one ever appreciates all the work that goes into the marathon–whatever it may be, running, writing, etc. They don’t know that the finish line is only a small part! I hope the bits and pieces go by fast for you, however. And you know you’ll look back and realized you’ve loved the journey, no matter how long it took you.
Thanks, friend! I have loved the journey (and hated it, and loved it, and hated it). I’m sure you know the drill. :)
I like you.
(That’s a fourth set of words! I just ruined your whole thing. I’m sorry. It was just supposed to be a comment, and then it became a POST-RUINING THING.)
(Hang on. Here. I will just do two more sets of words and it will be like an addition to your blog post instead of POST-RUINING THING.)
I’m sorry. (That’s for ruining everything.)
Have a baked good. (That’s a general rule for life.)
This is why you are the best. Because you don’t ruin posts and you enable my baked good habit. (I have a whole homemade yellow cake at home that needs to be eaten. WHAT TO DO??? Oh, right.)
So glad for you that you are running again!I started boxing bag work-outs back in August and felt so exhausted every time after the lessons. That is, until now – last Sunday I actually felt invigorated and understood perhaps for the first time how sport can increase your energy – exhilarating! You will get there soon enough – keep going, one step, one word at a time!
It feels so good to be running again! I can’t wait to hit that place where I start to feel good while it’s happening again, instead of just feeling good afterwards. Thanks for your encouragement, Fenny.
ohhhh, so there is something more than feeling good afterwards, awesome! Now I have to impatiently wait till I can discover that too :-)
For me, there were days when writing a thesis chapter was like an exercise in putting one coherent paragraph together after hours of thought, only to find the prose felt awkward to my fresh eyes the next day. I sympathize! That little light winking out — been there, too many times.
Oddly enough, I found I got better writing flow from keeping my feet moving. I wrote at least half my thesis with the laptop propped on my secondhand elliptical machine. Whatever works, right?
It’s amazing to me that you could write on an elliptical machine! I sometimes feel like I do my best thinking while running or driving or pacing my living room, but I haven’t tried an actual exercise machine yet. Sometimes I think I need just the right amount of physical distraction so my mind can be freed up to start going. I’m definitely learning my limits with this chapter and this dissertation. I’m trying to be responsive to deadlines but also to myself, not pushing myself so far one day that I’m useless the next (ahem). Learning as I go. I’m hoping my committee will be patient with my process of self-discovery…
GOOD JOB! You ran further! I think that bypassing previous successes is an excellent way to show growth.
That was a boring and duh sentence, huh? Oh well, it’s the truth. :)
Ha! I think the most surprising thing to me was how I could feel like I was dying and still have made progress, even in the course of one day. Life’s tricky (and cool) like that, I guess. I’m just trying to remember that every bit farther is farther than before. :)