oh, feeling

Did I know what I was in for when I chose feeling as my one word in January? Part of me thinks I did. Not knew in a seeing the future sense, but knew that it was going to be a difficult year, and that I needed to embrace it instead of fighting it or trying to wish it away. If I couldn't embrace it, I at least needed to be able to acknowledge it, live with it.

I've cried a king's ransom of tears. In public, in private. Outside a movie theater in San Jose. At my house, probably at yours. In front of people, which is big, but by myself too, which is almost bigger because it turns out this year has been about learning to face myself. In the past, I have been my own biggest rejecter, my own biggest denier. I have held myself to ridiculous standards and punished myself when I didn't meet them. I have refused to take myself for what I am, refused to acknowledge pain and sorrow, written myself and my feelings off. What this comes down to, this way I've treated myself, is that I have hated and despised who I am--and if this year has taught me anything, it's that I deserve better. And so do the people around me. If I can't accept my own messes and failures, how can I love others and meet them in their places of need? In order to be better to others, I must be better to myself first.

I look back at where I started, and where I was six months in, and I can marvel at the change in me, how much I've learned from giving myself the space and freedom to feel. I'm learning how to recognize my feelings and deal with them without dismissing them--that gratefulness is the key to heart-peace, that sometimes it takes a good long run or a long drive or a hot bath to sort things out. I'm learning that being open about what I'm feeling creates space for genuine relationships to grow, allows people to respond to me in love and teaches me to respond in kind.  Maybe all of this sounds obvious to you, but these have been hard-taught lessons for me.  And they're lessons I'll keep learning for a long time.


The year was more eventful than I would have liked. (Understatement champion: me.) I walked--am walking--a hard road.  But I feel more at peace with myself than I ever thought I would, more at home with myself.  At home with both joy and pain, sometimes at the same time. The struggles are loud, and want to be louder than the victories. But sometimes I think the quiet victories are the best ones.

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This post is my OneWord 2011 wrap-up. Read more on my One Word.  Meet Alece and learn about the OneWord2011 project. Catch up with the community.