how it went

I don't often make new year's resolutions. The last couple of years I've made lists of goals for myself that I come back to, add to, revise over the year.  Sometimes I meet these goals. Other times I forget the lists even exist, and that's ok too. I try to be generous with myself.  How can I know what a year will hold? How I'll change? How what I want will change too?

I made a list this year, though it's short. It's a reflection of how unsettled I feel, how much I'm willing to be unsure of at this stage. My goals are much harder to pin down, except for things like sell at least two fur coats. (Because how many vintage fur coats does one need in southern California? I suspect the answer is a  number that's very close to zero.) Outside of those very concrete things, I'm sort of floating when it comes to goals.

But something else happened to me this year around the turn of the year. I had the chance to visit dear Moxie Mandie in Albuquerque over the holiday weekend, a sweet day and night together sandwiched between about twelve hours of driving each way. Twenty-four hours across deserts and through mountains, under heavy gray clouds and sharp early morning skies and overwhelming numbers of stars.

Twelve hours through the night towards the new year, pressing up bright behind wide mountain ranges.

And then twelve hours home in the new year's infancy, full of thoughts as big as the tall trees and snowscapes that demanded to be noticed.

And that was it, really. Somewhere in those hours of driving it hit me, all those things demanding to be noticed. So I pulled over and made some resolutions right then and there, not for the year, but for the month, the day, the hour.  Here they are.

Be it resolved:

   I will drive with the windows down more.

 I will taste the wind.

     I will run up mountains.

I will dance more.

         I will keep my head up, look at the stars, take more deep breaths.

    I will sit up straight when I remember to, and not yell at myself when I don't.

 I will eat more cheeseburgers.

  I will eat less cheeseburgers.

I will fly.

             I will float.

I will not be afraid to drive into the night.