I don't know if when we go through hard times we turn to cliches because they touch on human truths, or if the cultural prevalence of the cliches makes them the places our minds automatically run. All I know is that right now I'd like to pull them out and line them up for you in all their brassy glory. I heroically resist.
My marriage is over. The reasons are complicated, but I won't pretend it was mutual. I couldn't make him want to stay. I don't know what else to say about it besides that.
My heart is wild, frantic, sluggish, broken. It feels reckless. I do not know what it will do, and I don't quite trust it. It just hurts and bounces around in my chest and sometimes feels like a stone.
Sometimes I can hardly move for crying. Sometimes my eyes burn and I feel fierce, like I can exhale knife-blades. Sometimes I feel miserably weak and soggy and small, a thing that invites pity. And sometimes I feel almost normal, except for this hard, cold little fire inside. I'm trying to take each part as it comes without fighting. To accept the care of friends and family. To remember that God sees and knows, and that He is able to work even this into something beautiful, in its time. To just be.
A couple of days ago, I woke up at 3:30. I lay in the dark for two hours before I gave up and got up and tried to face the day. Coming back from my run, I got caught in a storm, a downpour really. I put my face to the sky and felt the drops on my forehead, running down my scalp, making cold splotches on my sweatshirt.
I closed my eyes and let it rain and rain, because sometimes it rains. It's raining now.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
full stop.
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You are loved, brilliant kiddo: and you are brave. [Your big sister.]
ReplyDeleteDear, dear friend. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could fold you up in a great big hug and then feed you some non-chocolate dessert and just love on you for awhile. I pray. It doesn't feel the same but our God is big.
ReplyDeleteOh honey...
ReplyDeleteSending prayers, you incredibly brave and beautiful woman.
Yes...Lara's words. You are brave and you are brilliant...a brilliant, bright star, and a BRILLIANT WRITER. Weak and soggy and small pins down exactly how silly little me has been feeling tonight, for NO WORTHWHILE REASON. And meanwhile there's you, riding out your storm so gracefully and valiantly. Weeping may endure for a night, dear one, but JOY cometh in the morning. In its time.
ReplyDelete(And of course you are BEAUTIFUL too :)
ReplyDeleteSorry seems empty, but I am sorry. You are not alone seems empty too, but it's true.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful, brave and bold. And you WILL get through this. But for now, I pray for grace to stand in the rain... And for grace to carry you through until the sun shines again.
oh, friend, it hurts to read this. could not think of a single thing to type in the comment box, but i'm typing now just to say: i see you, in this. i know - not this same rain, but some of my own. there is power in the words you have written here - you are no small, soggy thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to copy what your sister said, and what June said, and what Angela said...
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit without words of my own here, they just seem too inadequate to convey how amazing and beautiful and brilliant and worthy-of-love that you are. Praying you feel God close, in every drop of this pouring rain.
Wow. Huggin you tight in spirit, you-precious-soul-you...lovin what you said and how you said it, hatin what happened but knowin that somehow, in some crazy way, all is as it's meant to be. Angels surround you as we share now, S, and I swear THEY WILL NOT LET YOU GO...You are SO loved! ;)
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